Well, it's 2013 another day into the life. This winter's flu season has been pretty bad nation wide. I haven't been stricken yet, but so many people at work and neighbors have been catching it. Even the governor of New York declared the state of New York a health emergency and pushed to have more people voluntarily take flu vaccines just a couple of weeks ago.
Yet in mentioning all that, I can honestly say that even in this state of health emergency there are still two health care tests that will clear a room full of men, faster than any influenza virus carrying sneeze. Those two tests are...colon cancer and prostate cancer. In fact, I'd say that men probably fear or dislike the tests for those two health issues way more than they are afraid of this 2013's winter flu epidemic.
We men probably FEAR taking the tests for these diseases greater than we fear actually contracting the disease itself.
I remember a time period in my 20's where a full health exam was needed to get a general idea of my overall physical health. So in order to get me on the road and acclimated to prostrate exams my general physician recommended that I see a proctologist. My father had passed from colon cancer when I was in college and my doctor felt that it would be helpful that I started getting used to such thorough exams. So off to the proctologist I went.
Now I had no idea what an ass doctor "should look like", but as I entered the office expecting to see a man of average height, I instead walk into the office of the Jolly Green Giant. At that time, I stood a solid 5'10, 195lbs, muscular and less than 10% body fat. This doctor stood about a good 6'5 and had a rather wide framed body. He looked like a bear. He was all smiles as I entered. He even reached out to shake my hand. As it turned out his hand was far bigger than mine, and I can palm a basketball.
So while we were standing there having a nice casual conversation, I did observe the doctor starting to place a pair of latex gloves on, that were nearly the size of a small tent. As he was doing this and we are talking - my subconscious mind (as well as my orifice) was telling me "I hope he doesn't think I'm going to allow him to do what I think he thinks he's getting ready to do? No way he's sticking one of those soda can size digits up my caboose? I only agreed to this visit for a preliminary conversation about future exams for prostrate and colon cancer. No way I came here to get my backside re-sized by this giant sized Winnie The Pooh."
Onward we conversed and then he began to look for lubricant for his one gloved hand (a la Michael Jackson). That's when I drew the line. I stood up and said to him, "Um, Doc - no way. I just came here for a cursory conversation and plan on keeping my pants belt secured around my waist."
He smiled and casually tried to convince me that this would be a routine and quick examination. I indicated to him that I would wait a few more years before I started any "routine" prostate exams. Out the door I went. I then called my general physician and gave him an earful for sending me to Dr. Asser-stein, who could hold a basketball as if it were a peach.
I remember telling this story to my mother, sister and a mix of male and female friends. Always the reception of the story was divided along gender lines. The women had no sympathy towards me as they would explain that they've been going through such similar invasive exams since they were in their teens with their gynecologists. So they did not share a single tear of sympathy. Okay. I get it. Sorry ladies. My apologies if I somehow seemed unsympathetic to your "routine" health exams. I didn't take everything into account.
In contrast, the reaction of my male friends was much more different. The male friends I would tell this story to would just sit back and make guttural sounds like: "Ooooooh" "Oh Nooooo" "Not me!" Then they would laugh and make macho comments about how they would have slammed the door in Winnie the Pooh's face. Yeah. Right fellas.
Fast forward the clock about 10 years, I'm in my mid 30's and now some colon issues have emerged that calls for me to have a colonoscopy to erase any questions. There was no way around it. My new primary care physician was (and still is) a genius and referred me to a great protologist. I went to this new specialist's office and we had a very normal, casual conversation. He wasn't slapping on the gloves as soon as I entered his office. And MOST importantly, he was a man of less than average height. In fact, he kind of reminded me of Yoda from Star Wars or The Hobbit. Nice guy, who mumbled mostly, but was very careful to show you a chart and explain everything in "mumblese". I'm a fairly intelligent person who has been guilty of mumbling too, so I followed along pretty good.
Those of you who have had a colonoscopy already know what it's like as you near the date of the exam. You change your diet a little. You begin to eat more fibrous foods and drink more water to help clear your body. Then like one or two days before, they have you take this medicine which is basically acts like Drano for the human body. Anything inside your entire gastrointestinal tract, from your mouth to your anus that hasn't cleared out of your body - most certainly will clear out of your body once it comes into contact with this medication. By the morning of the exam, I could drink a glass of water and literally feel it traverse my gastrointestinal tract in mere seconds. You feel like one of those bubble gum machines where you turn the coin thingy and just watch the gumball slowly roll downward in a long circular motion until it reaches the exit door.
The day of the exam, I walked into the room, changed into a gown and hopped up on a normal looking bed. The anesthesiologist came in, hooked me up and began talking about the New York Yankees. Within minutes I was out. I awakened towards the end of the exam and could see the video display of my colon, I looked down and saw my legs spread and my Dr. holding the periscope right up my hiney. My behind was getting a tan from the Hollywood production lights he had shining up there. I immediately decided it was a better idea to drift back to sleep until this big budget movie production of my colon was over with.
At the end of the day, all tests and biopsies proved negative results and back to the normal world I went. As I advance in age closer to 50, I know that such exams will be necessary. But thankfully I had a doctor with a less embarrassing and painless approach with me in my 30's than I did with the other Dr. in my 20's. I can honestly say to all men reading this blog that I wrote this post to provide some humor and insight in hopes that you will not fear these tests to these particular two diseases which can affect us. The earlier you catch these diseases, the cure rate goes up astronomically. Within the last five years, I had an older, former co-worker, in his late 60's who waited too late to check himself for prostate cancer. He had treatment, surgery and some temporary remission. But it returned a short while later and he committed suicide rather than face all of that again.
Yet in mentioning all that, I can honestly say that even in this state of health emergency there are still two health care tests that will clear a room full of men, faster than any influenza virus carrying sneeze. Those two tests are...colon cancer and prostate cancer. In fact, I'd say that men probably fear or dislike the tests for those two health issues way more than they are afraid of this 2013's winter flu epidemic.
We men probably FEAR taking the tests for these diseases greater than we fear actually contracting the disease itself.
I remember a time period in my 20's where a full health exam was needed to get a general idea of my overall physical health. So in order to get me on the road and acclimated to prostrate exams my general physician recommended that I see a proctologist. My father had passed from colon cancer when I was in college and my doctor felt that it would be helpful that I started getting used to such thorough exams. So off to the proctologist I went.
Now I had no idea what an ass doctor "should look like", but as I entered the office expecting to see a man of average height, I instead walk into the office of the Jolly Green Giant. At that time, I stood a solid 5'10, 195lbs, muscular and less than 10% body fat. This doctor stood about a good 6'5 and had a rather wide framed body. He looked like a bear. He was all smiles as I entered. He even reached out to shake my hand. As it turned out his hand was far bigger than mine, and I can palm a basketball.
So while we were standing there having a nice casual conversation, I did observe the doctor starting to place a pair of latex gloves on, that were nearly the size of a small tent. As he was doing this and we are talking - my subconscious mind (as well as my orifice) was telling me "I hope he doesn't think I'm going to allow him to do what I think he thinks he's getting ready to do? No way he's sticking one of those soda can size digits up my caboose? I only agreed to this visit for a preliminary conversation about future exams for prostrate and colon cancer. No way I came here to get my backside re-sized by this giant sized Winnie The Pooh."
Onward we conversed and then he began to look for lubricant for his one gloved hand (a la Michael Jackson). That's when I drew the line. I stood up and said to him, "Um, Doc - no way. I just came here for a cursory conversation and plan on keeping my pants belt secured around my waist."
He smiled and casually tried to convince me that this would be a routine and quick examination. I indicated to him that I would wait a few more years before I started any "routine" prostate exams. Out the door I went. I then called my general physician and gave him an earful for sending me to Dr. Asser-stein, who could hold a basketball as if it were a peach.
I remember telling this story to my mother, sister and a mix of male and female friends. Always the reception of the story was divided along gender lines. The women had no sympathy towards me as they would explain that they've been going through such similar invasive exams since they were in their teens with their gynecologists. So they did not share a single tear of sympathy. Okay. I get it. Sorry ladies. My apologies if I somehow seemed unsympathetic to your "routine" health exams. I didn't take everything into account.
In contrast, the reaction of my male friends was much more different. The male friends I would tell this story to would just sit back and make guttural sounds like: "Ooooooh" "Oh Nooooo" "Not me!" Then they would laugh and make macho comments about how they would have slammed the door in Winnie the Pooh's face. Yeah. Right fellas.
Fast forward the clock about 10 years, I'm in my mid 30's and now some colon issues have emerged that calls for me to have a colonoscopy to erase any questions. There was no way around it. My new primary care physician was (and still is) a genius and referred me to a great protologist. I went to this new specialist's office and we had a very normal, casual conversation. He wasn't slapping on the gloves as soon as I entered his office. And MOST importantly, he was a man of less than average height. In fact, he kind of reminded me of Yoda from Star Wars or The Hobbit. Nice guy, who mumbled mostly, but was very careful to show you a chart and explain everything in "mumblese". I'm a fairly intelligent person who has been guilty of mumbling too, so I followed along pretty good.
Those of you who have had a colonoscopy already know what it's like as you near the date of the exam. You change your diet a little. You begin to eat more fibrous foods and drink more water to help clear your body. Then like one or two days before, they have you take this medicine which is basically acts like Drano for the human body. Anything inside your entire gastrointestinal tract, from your mouth to your anus that hasn't cleared out of your body - most certainly will clear out of your body once it comes into contact with this medication. By the morning of the exam, I could drink a glass of water and literally feel it traverse my gastrointestinal tract in mere seconds. You feel like one of those bubble gum machines where you turn the coin thingy and just watch the gumball slowly roll downward in a long circular motion until it reaches the exit door.
The day of the exam, I walked into the room, changed into a gown and hopped up on a normal looking bed. The anesthesiologist came in, hooked me up and began talking about the New York Yankees. Within minutes I was out. I awakened towards the end of the exam and could see the video display of my colon, I looked down and saw my legs spread and my Dr. holding the periscope right up my hiney. My behind was getting a tan from the Hollywood production lights he had shining up there. I immediately decided it was a better idea to drift back to sleep until this big budget movie production of my colon was over with.
At the end of the day, all tests and biopsies proved negative results and back to the normal world I went. As I advance in age closer to 50, I know that such exams will be necessary. But thankfully I had a doctor with a less embarrassing and painless approach with me in my 30's than I did with the other Dr. in my 20's. I can honestly say to all men reading this blog that I wrote this post to provide some humor and insight in hopes that you will not fear these tests to these particular two diseases which can affect us. The earlier you catch these diseases, the cure rate goes up astronomically. Within the last five years, I had an older, former co-worker, in his late 60's who waited too late to check himself for prostate cancer. He had treatment, surgery and some temporary remission. But it returned a short while later and he committed suicide rather than face all of that again.
No comments:
Post a Comment