Whose idea was the bikini anyway?

Never in the history of mankind can one of the most flimsiest of patch of material stir up most contentious conversations between women and men.  It was a thought that struck me yesterday as I was reading through online news a few weeks ago.  As I was reading the news there was a photo banner flash of female celebrities of "female celebrities who look good in bikinis".  I mean I'm sitting there reading about politics, world news, kidnappings, fires and missing people and boom right out of the blue - "what female celebrity looks best in a patch of fabric held loosely with string".

You know...after reading about the controversial Stop and Frisk police program in New York City or the murder rate in New Orleans...I do get a sudden, uncontrollable curiosity to then see the 100 best female celebrities in skimpy bikinis!  Thanks guys!  I feel much better after that!

And this isn't the first time.  I mean most of us former athletes or readers of men's sports magazines  know all about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit addition, which was first published in 1964.  Somehow way back in 1964, those trendsetting Baby Boomers behind Sports Illustrated decided that we male sports fanatics (and former athletes) needed a break just one month a year - so that we could feast our eyes upon some titillating female boobs and behinds on the magazine cover.

But it doesn't end there either.  Just in case I want my truck to smell a little fresh, I can always run into the auto parts store and be given a choice of air fresheners to help spiff up my vehicle.  I can pay .99 cents for the dinky little pine tree air freshener that hangs on my rear view mirror.  Or I can pay $1.99 for the slightly better smelling bikini clad, Playboy Playmate to swing side to side on my rear view mirror.

And speaking of cars...who can forget the most prototypical luxury car commercials of the past 50 years?  You know the ones where some guy is driving a fancy and expensive sports car and picks up a "hot" looking woman...or when the commercial simply features some tall, thin, well bosomed woman driving a luxury sports car to some unknown destination.  I took a class way back in college in where psychological studies were done to figure out why those particular commercials worked in raising sales for the luxury cars.  The conclusion was that men and women saw the commercials in  two different ways.  For the male test audience it seemed that men connected buying that luxury car in order to get that beautifully breasted woman who was driving that car.  For the women viewers, they wanted to beautify themselves like the woman in the commercial to get a man to buy them that car.

But alas I've strayed off the bikini path.  Back on it I shall go!  I've been shopping with various women when they've gone bathing suit shopping in stores from my teens to my now 40's.  From my sister, to female friends, girlfriends, wife and now daughters.  I think I might try going with one of my female Rottweilers this summer.  Either way...with some slight changes here and there...it's usually the same pattern:

The women walk in with all sorts of enthusiasm, before they eventually leave depressed for having to settle on something that wasn't quite what they wanted.  Almost always it's buyers remorse.  They try on one suit after another, after another.  They turn and ask you the notorious question that will either set off a disbelief in your positive opinion, or set a an angry demonic takeover of their minds.  Here's that NOTORIOUS no win question.

"Does this make me look fat?"

Duck!  Hide!  Run for cover!  Lie!!  Or get lost in the men's section of the store. Whatever you do - do not answer that question in the positive "Ohhh yesss...that suit is for someone 30 pounds lighter than you, hun."

Nope, you always have to go the other way.  "Nope.  Honey that suit fits you great.  It's the sun and sand that's gonna make you look fat.  It's a well known natural special effect.  Spielberg used it in his movie Jaws."

Or try this, "Nope.  Hun, I think wearing what amounts to an eye patch around your breasts and mons pubis looks absolutely terrific!  I'm sure you'll lose that suit after the second wave in the water, not the first.  The first wave will only start half the people on the beach placing bets on how soon the next wave will leave you naked in the water."

Lastly, try this "Nope.  Hun, after 15 kids, being 50 pounds overweight and you advancing into your late 40's, I am confident that that bathing suit has equal the strength of the support cables to the Brooklyn Bridge, and will keep your uterus from falling out your back side.  Buy that polka dot suit right this very minute!  Plus...its on sale!"

All kidding aside, I stumbled across another news article on the Internet, which finally explained why there's so much pressure around bikini's and bathing suits in general.  In fact, this article actually summarized everything by simply explaining that its actually not the suit, but the female breasts themselves that we men must be craving to see.  Apparently, by viewing a woman's breasts 10 minutes a day, we men are actually improving our health.  The article even advises women to let their men view other women's breasts for those 10 minutes as a means to better their man's health.  Let him look, but not touch and then drag his horny behind home to momma!

Think I'm still joking around?  Well, here's the link:

http://voices.yahoo.com/study-finds-men-stare-womens-breasts-in-7962574.html?cat=5


After reading that article, it suddenly dawned on my why I've been surrounded by so many bikinis and boob show fests from TV commericals, the movies, magazines and even car air freshners!  It's all a survival mechanism in us men that has inspired this!  I now have a more enthusiastic outlook on making it to 160 years.  Yep, me viewing two boobs a day should keep the doctor away.  Hell, I'll even take donations!  From now on all boob gawking will assist my cause for longevity just as good as a heart transplant!  I guess...old age does have it's rewards...