My Family Texas Road Trip

My family Texas road trip...true story


Former astronaut, Neil Armstrong died the other day and unless you've lived in a cave the past 43 years, you'd have to know that Mr. Armstrong is the first person to walk on the moon, way back in 1969.  In 2004 me and my family were invited to a wedding down in Houston, Texas by friends who were from the area, but worked in NYC area for a number of years before returning back to Texas.

We were only a family of five back then.  My wife and three kids, three daughters.  The plan was to fly to Houston for the wedding, and then drive to San Antonio (a mere three hours away) to actually then go on a five day vacation after the wedding was over.  In between we would visit the Johnson Space Center in Houston and perhaps view some of the moon rocks, spacesuits and vehicles that Mr. Armstrong used during his historical walk into history.

Seemed like a good plan and all on paper.  But somehow I just knew that the black cloud of misfortune would be following us.  The first clue came in the form of booking the flight itself.  The wedding was being held in the same hotel that we were staying in.  However, the flight was very close to the time of the ceremony.  We were not left with the apparent 12 hour window of time necessary for me and four women, in descending sizes and age, to spruce up and dress formally for the wedding.  The reality was from the airport to the hotel - we had roughly about a 45 minute window.  Needless to say...we only arrived in time to see the Bride and Groom kiss and walk down the isle.  I didn't even have a chance to throw a grain of rice.  And I was hungry!  Thankfully, the dinner and dance and everything else was splendid.  But, I should have taken this all as a harbinger of further doom, but I remained enthusiastic.

The next morning we did enjoy the Houston area.  Perhaps a little too much.  Lots of driving around in our rental SUV, lots of eating.  Our window for visiting the Johnson Space Center in Houston was closing and we still had to be on the road for the drive to San Antonio.  However, by the time we made it to the Space Center, we only had about an hour's worth of time sight seeing.  We had no idea that they closed early, so now instead of stopping and staring at all the sights at the Center, we were literally yanking the kids by their arms and sprinting through the entire tour - just to see as much as possible.  Many were a blurred picture taken that late afternoon.

To make matters even more interesting my youngest daughter, who was 2 years old at the time, loved to carry her little "Lovie" doll everywhere, even though we had insisted she leave it in the car.  Nope, she had to have it with her.  Our tour ended with the Space Center's staff practically closing the doors on our backside.  Now I wanted to eat dinner.  I can't drive hungry?  The wife wanted to get on the road straight to San Antonio.  It was 6pm'ish.  Compromise...we drove an hour towards San Antonio and had a nice dinner.  At that point we realized that "Lovie" was no where to be found.  So what did we do?  We got back in the car...drove an hour back to Houston to the Space Center (which was now closed) to look for Lovie as the baby girl's was heart broken.  We were stopped at the gate and spoke to the security staff.  They assured us that once the cleaning crew went through the building, they would mail us back Lovie...if she was indeed found.

So...back on the road we go, back towards San Antonio.  Upon our arrival in Texas the day before, I did take notice that it had rained heavily in that area of Houston for several days.  I actually was wearing a brand new all white pair of Nike Air Max sneakers for this vacation trip because they were extremely comfortable for walking around.  About an hour into the ride, and prior to, I kept reminding my wife and daughters to go to the bathroom at any one of the dozens of rest stops we were passing.  I knew we were going to hit a stretch of highway where there would be no rest stops.  Everyone kept assuring me that they were fine.

Sure enough about 15 minutes past the last available rest stop, when the highway is virtually pitch black, my oldest daughter (she was 11yrs old) meekly reports in the back that she has to go pee pee.  With my stomach tied in knots and me biting my tongue nearly half off...I decide that I'm going to pull over on this highway, not too far from a construction site and walk her to the back of the truck and take care of business.  For those of us who live in the Northeast, stopping on the side of the road after a heavy rain is really no big deal.  Our "earth" or dirt is the typical hard, firm stuff that you use to plant your typical house plants.  HOWEVER in the south...their typical "earth" is a clay like substance.  Once it gets wet...and in our case...SOAKED...it becomes not just play dough.  It actually becomes like quicksand.  I wasn't 6 steps out of our RENTAL SUV, before I realised that me, my daughter and the car were sinking about 6 to 8 inches into the clay.

I held her up and let her do her business.  Got back in the car and said a prayer that we would now be able to use the 4 wheel drive to get out of these predicament.  My brand new, formerly all white sneakers were immediately placed in a plastic disposal bag as I was now barefoot trying to steer the 4 wheel drive out of the mess.  No good.  Eventually about 8 highway workers came over to help, as we called for a tow truck and police assistance, but still no good.  Finally after a 45 minute wait, and two other motorists getting stranded into the quicksand, we were towed out.  My legs and shorts were covered in clay mud.  I looked like I had just stepped out of a jungle in Cambodia.  Our truck looked no better.  It looked like it had been used in the movie "Apocalypse Now!"  We did arrive at San Antonio at about 2 am...all the worse for wear.

The next morning it took well over an hour and a half to wash down the truck...which in San Antonio...people do by hand at public car washes.  The car wash down my street would have knocked it out in 20 minutes.  Either way, we finally were able to enjoy the rest of that vacation.  The food, the people, the weather all absolutely "rocked"!  Then came the going back to Houston, Texas to catch our flight back to New York.  We packed up our last day and got back on the highway to Houston.  Bags?  Check!  Belongings?  Check!  Bowels??  Checked and empty!

Five straight sunny days in Texas, left the roadsides nice and dry for any necessary stops.  However, the women in the car with me all assured me that they were GOOD...ah...so they said.  Around the halfway point of the drive, my wife and middle daughter announced that they too had to pull over and pee.  I was NOT HAPPY about this.  But I reluctantly pulled over...on dry land...and allowed them to find a spot for themselves.  They were out and back in the car in roughly 2 minutes.  However....they weren't in the car for more than 5 seconds before they started jumping and scratching because they were being bitten by red ants!!  The two of them had inadvertently stepped in a red hills, while using the facilities.  I immediately had to stop and use a towel and sweatshirt and beat those damn ants off the two of them!

It was...at this point...that finally all patience inside me had given out.  I had reached that moment when I could take no more.  Whatever little sanity I had left from this wedding/vacation trip had now completely left my mind and body.  My cup had runneth over.  I said...and I quote...in the loudest, eye bulging, most insane, growl of a voice that you could imagine:

"That's it!  That's it!  From here on nobody is getting out of this damn car!!  You will pee in your hand if you have to!!  But you will stay in this car until we get it back to Houston!!  Do you ALL understand me???"

Needless to say, there was complete silence in the car all the way back to Houston.  It was so quiet, as they say in the south, you could hear a mouse piss on cotton...

About 3 weeks upon our arrival back to New York.  Lovie arrived home in box.  She was delivered 3rd class mail.  The cheapest and slowest form of mail.  Had they told us that the Space Center, we would have spent the extra money and had her home sooner.  Still, I found myself, on a quiet day, when no one was home, filling Lovie in on all that she had missed on our way to and from San Antonio...